this is living: a ramble about healing and such.

I always struggle on beginning a blog post. Typically I just decide to get fruity and start with my go-to “Hi, friends”, but I’ll work on that. Just kinda wanted to let the words flow freely today and write about my life currently; maybe some of you can relate, as humans we are meant to share our lives with one another and I’m super grateful to be able to share mine with you, so thanks for reading. Maybe grab a snack, make some hot chocolate, or a milkshake if you’re somewhere on the earth that’s experiencing non-tiddie-hardening weather right now. Please send sunshine and warmth.

Lately life has been really amazing. I know I’ve probably said that a thousand times, and I’m blessed to be able to admit that, I really, really am. In the past month I’ve gone through some pretty tough physical experiences (car accident that left me briefly in the hospital and a shard of wood went through my right foot last week…also landing me in urgent care). But through these physical experiences, my mentality, my spirituality and my soul has been so filled, albeit my blood and dignity a little empty at times, ha. Really, though, ever since I gave my heart to Jesus in August, I’ve developed a whole new way to see the world, to see my life and the lives of others and how I want to be a part of them. This life isn’t mine anymore, the energy I reap from this body I owe to others and owe to Jesus for saving me. I’ve spent quite a bit more time than I ever had reading the bible, really diving into learning about other people who walk with me and falling in love so hard with the relationships I’ve been able to attain and maintain so effortlessly in love and light. It’s no secret I’ve struggled in the past with an eating disorder and yeah, I still have my moments, my days and whatnot – pretty sure that’s normal for anyone with a history of disordered eating/anxiety/over-exercise (all of which I have openly struggled with and healed from, and am still healing from). I learned pretty swiftly a couple of years ago how my life was to be lived – on purpose, with purpose and responsibility. I had to stop stepping and rolling in my own crap, and yeah, it was as nasty as it sounds lol. You have to take responsibility for your life and give yourself the grace and mercy that Jesus has provided for you; accept your struggles, face them, walk in them but do not wallow in them, take responsibility for your purpose. For me, the biggest struggle of recovering from my bout with disordered eating, over-exercise and anxiety is just facing them and instead of asking God “Why me?” I must tell satan “Try me, (insert explicative here).” Because in this life there will be trials, my pastor always talks about how becoming a Christian doesn’t automatically mean that you’re crapping butterflies and rainbows, riding unicorns with your homeboy Jesus and eating sprinkled donuts. No, not at all. In fact, I think life has gotten harder. Harder yet more amazing, more fulfilling and more motivating to keep living this life and sharing it with others.

 

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;  persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.  For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.” 2 Corinthians 4:8-12

 

Whenever I have my days when I just don’t feel quite right, I know satan is trying to pull me away from myself, from others and from Jesus, but I have to consciously and constantly remind myself that I am here on this earth for a purpose and I need to set a good example for others, be a light and be responsible with myself. Do I still feel guilty when I can’t make it to the gym? Absolutely. I was really tested at the beginning of the month with the car accident; that pulled me away from physical activity for a week (longer than I’ve taken off from exercise in a while), and also last week when I had stepped on that shard of wood, I was out of the gym for almost 5 days. But you know what? I was able to fill my time with other things, remain distracted and surround myself with my friends who I am incredibly grateful to have in my life. And I have Jesus to thank that my injuries were so minor when put in perspective, and I could laugh about them, even though injuries aren’t funny it was pretty entertaining to have cankles for a few days. I have a whole new appreciation for the gym, my body and it was proven to me that I am allowed to respect my body and rest, injured or not. I still have issues with food at times, not much lately, but things pop up. And my food babies, they pop up too. Bloat happens, farts happen, discomfort happens: welcome to the life of a human with a functioning digestive system.   I’ve been eating in a surplus consistently for about 3 months now (before I was eating “in a surplus” but not tracking, so there was definitely room for error and I’m sure I made lots of errors #human). I’ve put on a few pounds and I know my rational mind would love to put on a few more; I don’t own a scale and find it frustrating to play with the little teeter totter scale at the gym so weigh-ins happen maybe twice a month for me, otherwise, I just judge by the size of my butt in my pants. So I’ve been focused on not the food itself, but how it’s healing me, how awesome it is that I am able to afford good food and how it positively affects my performance in and out of the gym. I mean I obviously enjoy my food, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s fuel for me.  I sleep better, I perform better, I poop better, I squat better, I love better and I live better. I definitely  can’t give up my caffeinated beverages, though, that’s out of the question…I’ll take one white Monster please (or two if they’re 2/$4 at Wawa you feel me bro?). So I guess this is where I’m at recovery-wise. Yes, I do plan on competing again sometime next year, competing has always been fun for me as I’ve talked about before. For now, just focused on lifting heavy and living my life. Anxiety has gone down a ton too, I get it the most when I drive, but that’s a whole ‘nother topic for another day. Sometimes I just need to collect my marbles and calm my tits. Don’t we all?

 

Comments welcome as always.

 

Much love.